In the last few days that you were inside me, our connection became more intense.
I told you all of the fears I masked with smiles. I was both happy and scared;
I wondered what you would look like and I prayed about both serious and mundane
things. My vain self sent a note out to my sisters about how I wanted you to look;
I wrote in details my naive vain wishes. I wanted you to have eyes like mine;
dreamy and wide, I asked the Lord for your daddy’s lips, I can’t explain to
your innocent self but those lips played a large part in making you
*mischievous grin*. My complexion would have been nice on you though, but yours
would have looked better ‘cause I was so faithful to my vitamins (God knows I
even stayed faithful to taking a gallon of water per day). I told myself you
would come out with skin looking bright and beautiful like the sun. I asked
myself a million times over if my strength was enough to rely on to bring you
forth. I played with different scenarios on how your entry into the world would
be. You stirred inside me sometimes in reply to some of my thoughts; I guessed
it was your way of telling me ‘You got this mum’.
I
wanted you to stay inside me my love, something kept telling me I wasn’t ready
for you, I once caught myself selfishly thinking how I was going to miss out on
some things when you finally get here. I also wanted you to stay where it’s
safe and warm; I wanted to keep you away from the ills of this world we live in
but I braced myself for your arrival all the same. I asked if there were
special prayers to be said, if there were special ways to act. I wondered if I
was supposed to walk around with spring in my steps or just be my normal
happy-go-lucky-got-no-care-in-the-world self (smiles).
I dared to glow with the extra flesh I added, carrying
you helped me stay in touch with my feminine side. I felt like I was on a journey
that was embarked on by a chosen few. I
remember the day I felt the first kick, I couldn’t believe you were really
growing inside me, I told your dad and I remembered how he got so excited. We
both planned to make sacrifices to make sure we make your arrival to the world beautiful.
Do you know I cried when I was told by the doctor you were a girl, my insides
stirred and I named you from then, I called you Ayokunnumi(which literally
means my insides are filled with joy), the joy I felt knew no bounds . I felt a
deeper connection with you, like you were more alive. My ‘it’ is a ‘she’ I told
my closest friend in a cracked voice.
You
probably think it’s all cream and sugar carrying you inside me from the picture
I have been painting,well,it wasn’t. There were times I got so depressed for no
cause at all that I needed extra motivation to get out of bed in the mornings.
It all feels like yesterday now.
I could hear the siren of the ambulance I had called, it was 4:30am, and my legs were too weak to carry me. The
day had come and at the last minutes, death felt really close. Only
God could help me through the pain. Grandma told me I would make
it through, she blessed the water she sprinkled on me. the different
beeps from the machines plugged into my body sounded so
distant. I was
drained, I knew I needed God more than ever, I said sincere prayers
then. You
can tell my prayers were answered since you are reading this(Ok, that’s
not
entirely true but I’m reading to you and I know you understand by the
way your
eyes are following the movement of my mouth).
Nothing’s
as relieving as the sound of your cries; it was like music to my ears. The
doctors said I did very well, one of them placed you in my hands and at that
moment I had an epiphany. I was both wiser and older in the moment. All my
doubts were gone in a flash; I knew I would be a great mum. I would love
you with every breath. I was born all over again, your birth little is what I love
to call fulfilment of purpose.
This
morning, I yawned and you yawned too, you looked at me with your lips curved
to the side in what I have recognised as your smile, staring into my face like
there were answers to the questions I imagine are in your head. You are
nature’s gift to me, I feel so undeserving.
Good
morning my dear, I remain your humble mum, my breasts are at your service as
always.
